"Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief. They all kill their inspiration, and sing about the grief." - "There are no significant bugs in our released software that any significant number of users want fixed." - Bill Gates in an interview with Focus magazine, Oct 23, 1995. - The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than it is for other tools (eg automobiles, airplanes, guns or power saws). - "But these are not inherent flaws in the operating system - they don't happen by accident." - Mike Nash, "Director of Microsoft's Infrastructure Systems" explaining why NT has so many patches to fix crashes caused by malicious net users. - "The obvious mathematical breakthrough [to break modern encryption] would be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers." -- Bill Gates from "The Road Ahead," p. 265. - "640k memory is enough for anyone." -- Bill Gates - Windows NT: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. - I have a problem with my 95 machine. It says "Insert disk 3" but only two will fit. What do I do now? - My karma ran over your dogma. - If Microsoft built cars instead of software, the airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. - If Microsoft made cars instead of software, you could only have one person at a time in your car unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you have to buy more seats. - If Microsoft made cars instead of software, the seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. - The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place. - Douglas Adams in Guardian, 25-Aug-95 - Linux is harder to learn than Windows. But it is easier to use. - gawk; talk; nice; date; wine; grep; touch; unzip; touch; gasp; finger; gasp; \ lyx; mount; fsck; more; yes; gasp; umount; make clean; make mrproper; sleep - This message brought to you by Microsoft. Inventors of multitasking, windowing, graphical user interfaces, the 32 bit OS, the Internet, the wheel, fire, air, and God. - Bill Gates to his broker: "You idiot, I said $150 million on **SNAPPLE**!!!" - "One World. One Web. One Program." -- Microsoft hype "Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuehrer" -- Nazi hype (One people, one country, one leader) - Q: Where would Microsoft take you today? A: Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis... Micro$oft has a TV ad for their Internet Exploder which uses "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem. As the announcer asks "Where do you want to go today?", the choir sings: "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis" which is Latin for "The damned and accursed are convicted to the flames of hell." - What's nice about GUI is that you see what you manipulate. What's bad about GUI is that you can only manipulate what you see. - In 1984 mainstream users were choosing VMS over UNIX. Ten years later they are choosing Windows over UNIX. What part of that message aren't you getting? - Tom Payne - A 32-bit patch for a 16-bit GUI shell running on top of an 8-bit operating system written for a 4-bit processor by a 2-bit company who cannot stand 1 bit of competition. -Rev. Pee Kitty, on Windows 95 - "Administering a Linux server is no more difficult than properly running Windows NT." -- Infoworld, November 24, 1997 - Windows95, Word97, Excel95: With all the criticisms of Microsoft, at least they provide "best-before" dating on many of their products... - Would you buy a car with the hood welded shut? Linux: the maintainable OS. - Sorry, please try again. Thank you for taking the Turing test. - When you say `I wrote a program that crashed Windows', people just stare at you blankly and say `Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*' -- Linus Torvalds - Your mouse has moved. Please wait while Windows reboots so the change can take effect. - "Do you know what this is? No, I can see you don't. You have that vacant look in your eyes that says, 'Place my head to your ear.. you will hear the sea!'" --Londo, Babylon 5. - SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - Ken Thompson - If anything can go wrong it w Segmentation fault. Core dumped. - UNIX - live it,love it,fork() it ! - My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel. - "One of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the great struggle for independence." -- Charles Austin Beard (1874-1948) - "Only wimps use tape backup: _real_ men just upload their important stuff on ftp, and let the rest of the world mirror it ;)" (Linus Torvalds, about his failing hard drive on linux.cs.helsinki.fi) - "HTML [e-]mail... the 90's equivalent of letters on scented stationary." --Dan Foygel 3 Jun 1998 - "Bill Gates is a white Persian cat and a monocle away from becoming another James Bond villain." "No Mr Bond, I expect you to upgrade." --Dennis Miller - Out hme0, through the Cat5K, Across the ATM backbone, past the firewall, past the provider, hit the router, down the fiber, off another router... Nothing but net. - "Let's face it, we're all sailboats and money is the wind. And with enough of it you can just about get blown anywhere." --Dennis Miller - Whoever came up with the idea of sending email as HTML should be shot, hung, drowned, poisoned, eviscerated, decapitated, drawn and quartered, burned at the stake, impaled, crushed, flayed, asphyxiated, and sodomized with a three-foot-long, foot-diameter jagged, red-hot poker. All at the same time. - What's the difference between a Van DeGraf static generator and a belt driven vacuum cleaner? Answer: Not much. Don't use a vacuum to clean your computer. - Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?" - Favorite error message: "Out of paper on drive D:" This was produced by a timeout error on a slow WORM drive and a defective AT/IO card. - Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. -Fortune of the Day. - ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII... - Windows 98 is a browser stapled onto a graphical OS duct-taped onto an ancient character-based DOS with roots in the '70s. -Jesse Berst, Editorial Director ZDNet AnchorDesk Tuesday, September 8, 1998 - _Gina_: "Oh no, Debra, don't be bitter, surely with your ever growing collection of flesh mutilating silver appendages and your brand new neo-nazi boot camp makeover the boys will come a-runnin'!" - From _Empire Records_ - _Colonel Slade_: "There is nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthetic for that." - From _Scent of a Woman_ - "Never Underestimate the powers of a dark clown" - Darph Bobo, Tripping the Rift. - Half of the people I talk to need a good going over with the old clue-by-four. - Tracy Reed...Regarding RoadRunner Tech Support - _Charlie_: "That was beautiful! I got chills! What side of whose bed did you wake up on?" From _The Mask_ - "My chauffer was injured by a falling gargoyle while standing outside in Chinese footprints. We rang the bell, a woman screamed, a mouse ran by us, through the door. As you can plainly see, I miss nothing." Monsieur Perrier (James Coco) Murder By Death - A yer ago I kudnt spel Sistum Admnistratur; now i R won. - In the back of the room are four Apple ][e computers. Apple ][e ... my God. How can our educational system be this neglected? What a geek I am to be fretting over the lack of computing power available to the students. Kids smoking crack? It's only drugs. Teenage pregnancy? The responsibility of a newborn will add character. 6502 CPUs with 64K of RAM, daisychained to a single low-density 5 1/4" floppy drive? Great Scott! Are we not barbarians for stranding our future generations on a precarious foundation strung together with 8-bit processors and low-resolution graphics? -> Ad Nauseam - "Speed geek" - "Linux and other OSS advocates are making a progressively more credible argument that OSS software is at least as robust -- if not more -- than commercial alternatives." - Microsoft lamenting Open Source Software in the "Halloween Document" - "Because right now, developing software for Microsoft is like brushing the teeth of a Great White Shark with a piece of raw steak." - Robert G. Brown, Linux Today; Nov 13th, 1998 - "What I used was a simple killing-loop: I put in statements like die: jmp die at strategic places. If it locked up, you were ok, if it rebooted, you knew at least it happened before the die-loop." --Linus Torvalds, Talking about his early debugging techniques when working on Linux on the x86. - There's even a parody for people opposed to hunting: Deer Avenger. In it, bazooka-toting deer lure potbellied hunters to their death with such "genuine hunter calls" as a feminine cry of "Help, I'm naked, and I have a pizza." ==>Joshua Quittner, in an article on the Hunting computer game craze in the 12/7/98 issue of Time - gawk; talk; date; wine; grep; touch; unzip; touch; gasp; finger; gasp; mount;\ fsck; more; yes; gasp; umount; make clean; make mrproper; sleep - Oh, cut the bleeding heart crap, will ya? We've all got our switches, lights, and knobs to deal with, Striker. I mean, down here there are literally hundreds and thousands of blinking, beeping, and flashing lights, blinking and beeping and flashing - they're *flashing* and they're *beeping*. I can't stand it anymore! They're *blinking* and *beeping* and *flashing*! Why doesn't somebody pull the plug! - Buck Murdoch - Airplane 2. - "And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see. And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was DiVX, and Circuit City followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to mislead with deception, and with trickery, and with fan sites, and with the beasts of the sales floor." - Stolen from the alt.video.dvd NG - Like the man said "Nothing is foolproof, because fools are so ingenious" - SYSTEM ALERT: /dev/null is full. Please delete any unnecessary files. - Ralph: "Oh yes, Larry Benson... the x1000. Worked out better then you dreamed, didn't they?" Larry: "Actually there was a little bit of a problem." Ralph: "Then it's with your software!" -- Small Soldiers.. sounds like most Chip and OS companies though. :) - Jo-anna: "Bing? That's a great name." Chandler: "Thanks, it's Gaelic for 'Thy turkey's done.'" --Friends - Criminal: "Hey, ain't you the dude who caught that burgler?" Thurgood: "It's *aren't*. And yes, I be him." - The PJs. - Harry: "Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention." -- From _Dumb & Dumber_ (1994) - "Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly." - Arnold Edinborough - "...sure he didn't drop acid, but Bill Clinton's _mind_ is about the only thing that hasn't been blown." - Dennis Miller - AJ - "Ye GODS! NT crashed the microwave!" Pitr - " Hmmm. Am thinkink we should put Elder Sign seal on microwave now. Leave alone." -- User Friendly 2/28/1999. - What goes up, must come down. Ask any system administrator. - "I am Beavis of Borg. Resistance, like uh... sucks !" - ..I'm sure that if I were wandering naked across the Serengeti Plain and happened to come across a pride of lions who were feeling peckish, they'd show me the same f&$#!#g courtesy. Come on, in less time than it takes to say "Two all-Miller patties" I'd be chili con carnage. -- Dennis Miller on Vegetarianism. - The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. That's from Trek. Pretty cool, huh? -- Dennis Miller - Well, what else is important to them? As far as stimulants go, both of our generations know the feeling of jonesing for product from Columbia; it's just that their product is coffee. -- Dennis Miller on GenX - Sworn in by a fool, and vouched for by a scoundrel... I'm a lawyer at last. -- The Rainmaker. - Why is it always Segmentation's fault? - "It is commonly the case with technologies that you can get the best insight about how they work by watching them fail" ==> Neal Stephenson, "In the Beginning was the Command Line." - If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up. -Fortune - Of course, all mission critical synergistically enhanced corporate package data mining and report generating suites need upgrade paths to facilitate corporate executive migrations. -- stolen from a /. post 4/26/99 - answering machine message : "hi. e-mail me." - "Linux can context switch processes faster than Windows NT can switch threads." Tom Christ (heard at Usenix) - Adolescence is a surreal world: kids who don helmets and practice banging into one another for hours each week are deemed healthy and wholesome, even heroic. Geeks are branded strange and anti-social for building and participating in one of the world's truly revolutionary new cultures - the Internet and the World Wide Web. -- Jon Katz / Slashdot.org - If at first you don't succeed, you must be using Windows. - A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. - SCSI is *NOT* magic. There are *fundamental technical reasons* why it is necessary to sacrifice a young goat to your SCSI chain now and then. - Black holes are where God divided by zero. - "You know, maybe I'm not the best guy to be addressing the subject of education. Frankly, when I was in school, I generated more C's then a Spanish couple reaching simultaneous orgasm." -- Dennis Miller - "The day that Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day that they start making vacuum cleaners." - shaman@kos.net - ftp://127.0.0.1 ..... That site sucks. I've already got all of that stuff! - "...In my phone conversation with Microsoft's lawyer I copped to the fact that just maybe his client might see me as having been in the past just a bit critical of their products and business practices. This was too bad, he said with a sigh, because they were having a very hard time finding a reporter who both knew the industry well enough to be called an expert and who hadn't written a negative article about Microsoft." -- Robert X. Cringely - "Thanks for inquiring, the spell chicker works fine." --Computer Stupidities http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid - "This software comes with ABSOLUTELY NO WARRANTY. Even if it erases your hard drive, too bad. Although we did fix that bug from the last release." ==> README from a long-ago release of DJGPP - A nerd is someone whose life revolves around computers and technology. A geek is someone whose life revolves around computers and technology... and likes it! - Stolen from a /. post. - The Matrix is going down for reboot now! Stopping reality: ....OK The system is halted. -- yet another sig stolen from /. - [X] YES! I'm a brain-damaged lemur on crack, and I'd like to order your software package for $459.95! - Do not meddle in the affairs of sysadmins, for they are easy to annoy and have the root password. - Barbie of Borg - She doesn't just Assimilate, She Accessorizes too! -- Stolen from a /. post. - "The Tuxomatic 2200(TM) with patented Gates-Be-Gone(TM) gets rid of blue screens in a flash! It forks! It blits! Look at those fantastic pixels! It surfs the web! You could even host an ISP with it!" -- Matthew Sachs on Slashdot - Newspaper Editor: "We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately 'poo-poo' everything he eats." Homer: "Nah it usually takes a few hours." -- The Simpsons - Lisa: "As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you should know that your refusal will result in months and months of..." Bart, Lisa: "CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?" Homer: "I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk." -- Simpsons - Homer Simpson: "To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." -- Simpsons - Homer: "I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!" -- Simpsons - [Bart & Lisa are reading a magazine at the Kwik-E-Mart.] Apu: "Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it down or I'll blow your heads off!" -- Simpsons - "Our system is already Y2K compliant but you can improve your Y2K compliance by using the special CD, which carries out some minor fixes." - Microsoft - President Grant: "Mr. West, not every situation requires your patented approach of shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two." -- Wild Wild West - Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot Change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to Kill today because they pissed me off. - Beer recipe: free! ~= Source Cold pints: $2 ~= Product Safe rides home, any hour: $25 ~= Technical Support - "Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was the suspect." -- Stephen Wright - Clark [talking to Cousin Eddie] "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?" -- Nat'l Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - My pid is Inigo Montoya. You kill -9 my parent process. Prepare to vi. - #define QUESTION ((2b) || !(2b)) /* Shakespeare */ - Give a man a match and he'll be warm for an hour... Set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life - "AOL: we make your life simpler provided you don't know what you're doing... and we intend to keep it that way!" - Another sig from /. - "In the closed-source world, Version 1.0 means "Don't touch this if you're prudent."; in the open-source world it reads more like "The developers are willing to bet their reputations on this." - Eric Raymond - Yo' momma's so fat she makes emacs look like pico! -- Another stolen from /. - Microsoft's new Motto: "Microsoft -- We're the company you can trust, because, although we used to lie all the time, now we've stopped." -- Stolen from a COLA post. - It took the power of 3 Commodore 64's to go to the moon, but it takes a 486 to run Windows... Something is desperately wrong here. - Stolen from /. - Encyclopedia Salesman: "What do you know about Vulcanized rubber?" Joey: "Spock's birth control." [both laugh] Salesman: "You _need_ these books!" -- Friends - "Nasdaq crashed this week... guess it must've been running on Windows 2000. You know Bill Gates lost 12 Billion Doll.. oops, he just made it back." -- Dennis Miller Live 4/7/2000 - Frasier: "Well I had to, what with you underneath the covers with a flashlight looking at the National Geographics." Niles: "I was looking at the maps!" Frasier: "THAT'S what makes it so scary!" -- Frasier - More favorite error messages: "Press almost any key to continue" "System Error: the operation completed successfully" - "PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms" - [Talking about going to church] Eric: "Hey, how 'bout you, how come you never have to go?" Red: "Eric, God and I had a heart to heart, while I watched my destroyer go down in the South Pacific... We're real good. You're not. Go!" ==> That 70's Show. - If you were building The Matrix: NT or Unix? I thought so :) --another /.-er - "The software empire that was built on a C:\ prompt, Microsoft has done for software what McDonald's did for the hamburger." -- PC Magazine, June 1997 - "DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form." ==> New York Times article - "You think it's a conspiracy by the networks to put bad shows on TV. But the shows are bad because that's what people want. It's not like Windows users don't have any power. I think they are happy with Windows, and that's an incredibly depressing thought." -- Steve Jobs - [Lisa and Bart used Gandpa's name on a cartoon script they wrote] Bart - "Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?" Grandpa - "I figured 'cause the Democrats are in power again." - [It's Halloween Kitty gives out raisins] Kids: "Ewwwww..." Kitty: "No, raisins are good for you. Raisins are nature's candy." [As soon as she closes the sliding glass door eggs hit it] Red: "..and eggs are nature's hand grenade. Kitty, don't give them raisins.. it just pisses them off." - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. -- fortune of the day. - Thurgood: "Well you see Walter, breaking up with a girl is like pulling off a bandaid... You got to do it quick! Sounds like you did it slow and picked up the scab afterwards!" -- The PJ's - Boss: "Peter! Are ju sleeping on ze job?" Peter: "No, no.. I've got a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate 'im." -- Family Guy - "If you know what you want done, it is quite often more useful to tell the machine what you want it to do rather than merely having the machine tell you what you are allowed to do." -- Stolen from a COLA post. - Peter: "Oh my God! Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits.. it says, 'oooooo'" Brian: "Peter, those are Cheerios!" -- Family Guy. - Brian: "Antonio, did you find anything out?" Antonio: "Ok. I spoke to the other cabbies. Joe's jeep was placed outside Alex's building no earlier than midnight and no later than 2:30. Footprints leading to the car indicate he must have left between 2 and 4 because they were filled with rain water. Which leads me to the inescapable conclusion that.. I have got to get a life!" -- Wings. - DR. EVIL: "You're not quite evil enough. You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil, just one calorie, not evil enough." From _Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me_ - Brian: "How's Antonio doing?" Roy: "Much better. I sat him down, and I gave him some good advice: drink until there's a crowd standing over you saying, 'You okay buddy?'" -- Wings - Jimmy: "The job market is very competitive right now for someone with my skills! ...There are a whole lot of kids on summer vacation." -- The PJs. - Roz: "Physical contact extends our lives." Frasier: "Well then, you'll outlive Styrofoam." -- Frasier - My favorite error message from xscreensaver: bsod: Couldn't allocate color Blue. - Roz: "Maybe Frasier picked up something from contact with me." Niles: "He wouldn't be the first one.... oh, I'm too depressed." --Frasier - Frasier: "...we know for whom the bell tolls." [A bell dinging is heard, everyone looks around a little confused] Martin: "Anybody else hear that?" Daphne: "Oh! The biscuits!" --Fraiser - [The Quickie Mart was robbed, during the robbery Homer dove into the chips] Apu: "You can emerge now from my chips, the opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone." -- The Simpsons - [Joe just pulled Antonio away from a beautiful woman he was talking to, to move a cabinet a tiny bit] Antonio: "We barely moved it!" Joe: "Yeah I know, but it was askew! Isn't it amazing how something like that can throw off your whole day?" Antonio: "Yes, and you know I only wish I could stay and slap you senseless.. but there's a goddess waiting for me in the terminal." -- Wings - [Some of Roy's sure-fire personal ads]: +French count with Hot Tub looking to make a little bouillabaisse. +Texas oilman likes it crude! -- Wings - Fez: "You two are shallow!" Michael: "I'm not shallow. I just judge chicks based on their looks!" -- That 70's Show - There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. - Statler -- Well, how do you like the film? Waldorf -- I've seen detergents that leave a better film than this. >From _The Muppet Movie_ (1979) [Note: those are the grumpy old guys] - Antonio: "No more lonely Saturday nights, lying in a dark room listening to the faucet drip, drip, drip. Wondering what's the point to going on?" Brian: "Yeah? What are you going to do?:" Antonio: "I'm volunteering at the Suicide Hotline." Brian: "All right! PARTY ON!" -- Wings - A Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer is to computing what a McDonalds Certified Food Specialist is to fine cuisine -> Stolen off of a /. post. - [The guys are all drunk] Stephen: "Hey, I got Amy's phone number." Red: "Good for you Stephen." Stephen: "Well, I hope she's still pretty tomorrow!" --That 70's Show. - Mrs. Avery: "Give it to me, I've been here the longest." Thurgood: "You ain't got but 3 months left, and we ain't movin' you in so we can move you right back out." -- The P.J.'s - Brian: "You can't just ask a woman how old she is." Joe: "Why not? I asked Faye... she's 49." -- Wings - Brian: "Ok Joe, I'll try it your way. But if she kills me, I'm coming back and messing up your sock drawer!" --Wings - Joe: "I don't know, one minute we're spanking each other with meat, the next minute it got weird." --Wings - Antonio: "It's no fair. Some men drink deep from the fountain of life, while Antonio takes one sip and it goes down the wrong pipe!" --Wings - Brian: "Oh man! What a night I had last night. I met the _most_... fantastic woman; I had the most passionate night of my life. We made a connection like you would not believe." Joe: "What was her name?" Brian: "Eh, I don't know." - [Red's watching TV] Red: "Oh! Gilligan screwed it up. He always screws it up! Why don't they just kill him?" -- That 70's Show - "Outlook not so good." That magic 8-ball knows everything! I'll ask about Exchange Server next. -- Another /. gem - "How can I possibly explain it to him? Well I guess the key is not to be evasive, he's going to hear about it sooner or later. I guess it should be from me. After all, I am a trained professional. I'll be able to do it so that won't traumatize the child ...FREDDIE DON'T TOUCH THAT!!!" --Frasier - [From the oxymoron dept] "We fully support freedom of speech and freedom of the press, but we believe the article ... is not acceptable,'' -- From a "Tongue Tied" article at foxnews.com - Steven: "Are you ok?" Scott: "Yeah... it's just been a stressful week." Steven: "Yeah, and it's Tuesday morning." -- Boston Public - "A home pool inevitably results in storing large quantities of the chemical dihydrogen oxide where household members may be exposed to it. Acute overexposure to dihydrogen oxide probably results in more fatalities each year than overexposure to any other single chemical! Of course, dihydrogen oxide is more commonly known as water, and acute overexposure to water is usually called drowning." -- Taken from pool owner tips at www.poolsolutions.com - Drew "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -- "The Drew Carey Show" - "I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows!" ==>Bart - The Simpsons - Marge: "I'm tired of being cooped up in this house!" Homer: "Well open a window." ==> The Simpsons - Drew: "Dear pizza, I do not care, or give a wit, that you are one day old. I think you are beautiful, even when you are cold." -- Drew Cary Show. - Mayor Quimby: "Very well, if that is the way the winds are blowing, let noone say I don't also blow." ==> Simpsons. - Sideshow Bob: "I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the white house forever, and when they get in, I'm back on the street... with all my criminal buddies! Aaah ha ha ha!" ==> Simpsons. - "In Win98 Microsoft supposedly fixed 3,000 bugs. You'd think a product with 3,000 bugs would be fixed for free. They recall cars and toys for defects. Not software. We have to buy more." ==> John Dvorak (http://i-want-a-website.com/about-microsoft/quotes.html) - "...Microsoft has taken a perfectly good standard, broken it, and then told us that we have to buy expensive programs that support the broken interface rather than use the free ones that come with all operating systems in the world except Microsoft operating systems." ==> Allen Holub (http://i-want-a-website.com/about-microsoft/quotes.html) - "Microsoft's biggest and most dangerous contribution to the software industry may be the degree to which it has lowered user expectations." ==> Esther Schindler (http://i-want-a-website.com/about-microsoft/quotes.html) - [Talking about web page "design"] "I think my standards have lowered enough that now I think ``good design'' is when the page doesn't irritate the living #@$) out of me." ==>jwz (http://www.jwz.org/gruntle/design.html) - Commentator in "Triple Play Baseball" for PS2: "The key to scoring runs is cashing in when you're in scoring position." -- Thank you, Captain Obvious! - Joe Garelli: "You can't take something off the Internet! It's like taking pee out of a swimming pool." ==> From "News Radio" (1995) - Peggy: "You were jealous!" Hank: "No I wasn't. I was mad at you for spending time with that guy. I want you to spend time with me. Jealousy had nothing to do with it!" ==> King of the Hill - Groundskeeper Willie: "What? Have you gone waxie in your pister? I cannot fit in the wee vent, you croquet playing mint muncher." Principal Skinner: "Greese yourself up and go in you... you, guff speaking work slacker!" Willie: "Oooh. Good comeback." ==> Simpsons. - Reverend Lovejoy : This so-called "new religion" is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate! ==> Simpsons - Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday. Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend! ==> Simpsons - [Jerry and George describe wedgies to Elaine] Elaine: "Boys are sick!" Jerry: "Well what do girls do?" Elaine: "We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder." ==> Seinfeld. - Homer: "Bless you boys." [He's saluting the men marching by in the parade] Marge: "Homer, those are ice cream men." [Homer tears up] Homer: "I know." ==>Simpsons - Marge: "Homer, we'd like to talk to you." Homer: "But then I wouldn't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in." ==> Simpsons - Bart: "Nothing you say can upset us, we're the MTV generation." Lisa: "We feel neither highs, nor lows." Homer: "Really? What's it like?" Lisa: "Eh." ==> Simpsons - Narrator: "Listen, this will take a tremendous act of faith on your part, but you've got to hear me out." Marla: "Oh, here comes an avalance of bullshit!" Narrator: "A little more faith then that." ==> Fight Club - Principal Skinner: "Now I've gotten word that a child is using his imagination, and I've come to put a stop to it!" ==> Simpsons - Groundskeeper Willie: "oooh.. Me mule wouldn't walk in the mud. So I had to put 17 bullets in 'em." ==> Simpsons - Principal Skinner: "Pull Willie, Pull!" Groundskeeper Willie: "I'm doin' all the pullin' ya blouse wearin' poodle walker." ==> Simpsons - [Burns is a vampire, he's talking over an intercom] Burns: "Welcome, come in!... Ahhh fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead." Smithers: "Sir you have to let go of the button." Burns: "Oh, Son of a B-" [Door bangs open] ==> Simpsons - Grandpa: "Quick! We have to kill the boy!" Marge: "How'd you know he's a vampire?" Grandpa: "He's a vampire?!? Ahhh...." [runs away] ==> Simpsons - A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. ==> Stolen from a COLA post. - Drew Carey: "Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are." => Drew Cary Show. - Drew: "Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?!" ==> Drew Cary Show- Homer: "Dad says this new guy is a repulsive, obnoxious old billionaire. So let's be extra nice to him!" ==> Simpsons - Bart: "Why the crap do we have to go to church anyway?" Marge: "You just answered your own question with that commode mouth! Besides, you kids need to learn morals and decency, and how to love your fellow man." [cut to church] Reverend Lovejoy: "...and with flaming swords, the Aramites did pierce the eyes of their fellow man, and did feast on what flowed forth!" ==> Simpsons - Homer: "Wow! $350?!? Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!" ==> Simpsons - Bart: "Hey, why is it destroying other toys?" Lisa: "They must've programmed it to eliminate the competition." Bart: "You mean like Microsoft?" Lisa: "Exactly!" ==> Simpsons - Odo: "You'd shoot a man in the back?" Garrak: "Well, it's the safest way, isn't it?" ==> Star Trek : DS9 - Vir: "Londo, are you deliberatly trying to drive me insane?" Londo: "The Universe is already mad. Anything else would be redundant." ==> Babylon 5 - Marge: "Homer, sitting that close to the TV can't be good for you." Homer: "Talking while the TV's on can't be good for you!" ==> Simpsons - Marge: "Homer, you help her too." Homer: "I toileth not on ye sabbath woman. A pox on thee." ==> Simpsons - Marge: "Bart's so well behaved now, maybe you and I can have a night out?" Homer: "Ooh, let's go to the waterpark. My 10 year ban ended yesterday!" ==> Simpsons - "I've never used their tech support, but the word is that it sucks." I believe it's composed entirely of monkeys that couldn't get the Shakespeare gig. :-) ==> /. users talking about @home tech support - [Talking about searching for lost ship in space] Astronaut: "I figure it's like fishing, you have to be patient and wait." Crow: "...and drink _lots_ of beer!" ==> MST3K - Phantom Planet - Marge: "This is the worst thing you've ever done!" Homer: "You say that so much it's lost all meaning." ==> Simpsons - [The guys got drunk, Eric is hungover] Eric: "My head hurts!" Red: "That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity!" => That 70's Show - Homer: "Oh.. I hate having parties. The toilet always gets backed up!" ==> Simpsons - Red: "This is gonna be expensive, isn't it?" Kitty: "Maybe." Red: "Don't you like anything cheap?" Kitty: "I like you." ==> That 70's Show - Bart: "Uh, mom? It's kind of hard for us to leave with you standing in the doorway." Homer: "Push her down son." ==> Simpsons. - Girl: "She dumped ya, didn't she?" Drew: "It was mutual. We both hated me, and she was the only one that had nerve enough to leave." ==> Drew Cary Show - Homer: I'm here to deliver a package to Marge Simpson.....! Guy: Where's the package? Homer: [looks from side to side]........dammit! - House: "Who told you where my office is?" Patient: "Jill, come on, he obviously doesn't want us bothering him." House: [sarcastically] "Oooh... I was trying to hide it." ==> House MD. - Officer Barbrady: "You can't kidnapp people and lock them in your basement." Cartman: "They're not people, they're hippies!!" ==> South Park. - Mayor: "Their little festival should pump some money into the local economy." Cartman: "They're hippies!! They don't have any money!!" ==> South Park. - Ned: "How do you do it Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says think?" Homer: "You mean Lisa?" ==> Simpsons - Ned: "We must've really painted the town last night. I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit, and I don't remember a thing!" Homer: "Welcome to my world." ==> Simpsons - [Desperate for a doughnut, Homer opens his "Emergency Procedures" manual to reveal a cutout with some crumbs and a note...] Homer: [reads note] "Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency donut. Signed, Homer. Bastard! He's always one step ahead." ==> Simpsons, Treehouse of Horror IV. - Casey: We're not having a big sandwich! Brian: [slightly annoyed] This is Nanucket, its not San Francisco. We are a simple people. We fish our waters, we till our lands, we eat a big sandwich. ==> Wings